It’s Not You, It’s Me

It’s the classic story- boy meets news site, news site gets lame, boy writes snarky blog post


This is so hard. We’ve had some really good times. You’ve made me laugh. You’ve made me cry. You’ve made me think. Sometimes I got so mad at you, but then you’d show me something awesome and I’d get over it.

Lately things have changed. You’ve been doing some stuff that I’m just not into- weird prison stuff, violent sports, bad art and way too much food. I understand, we all need room to grow. I’ve been growing too. I see a lot more good in the world than I used to. I like working to make things better rather than sitting around with a bunch of other aging hipsters moaning about how bad things are. It’s OK- like I said, we need room to grow. I guess I’m growing up and you’re growing… lame.

There, I said it. See, it’s just all been done before. I know you think that thing with the former warlord in Africa was cool and edgy, but it reeked of desperation. You fell under his spell like a weak little sheep. That’s not a good look. The continued attention to prison, mixed martial arts and militant politics? It honestly seems like your trying to cover for… something. You’re like Guy Fieri and Jello Biafra’s love child- a bit too over-the-top. That’s another bad look. Just sayin’.

The thing is you just make me angry. You use your words to divide and inflame. You lie and bend the truth to fit your version of the facts. You’re shrill and demanding and unpleasant and I can’t take it any more. I get it, you’re not happy- neither am I.  Misery loves company but you’ll have to find a new playmate.

I don’t want you to think I’m bitter. You are still great when you try, it’s just not often enough any more. I need someone more in touch with my needs. I need someone a little more up-beat and positive. I need someone to put a smile on my face every morning. I need a partner to help me find solutions. I need new ideas and a fresh start.

So there it is VICE, I’m leaving you. Let’s not make it weird. I’ll go my way and you go yours and tomorrow morning and from now on I’ll get my pop culture musings and snarky commentary elsewhere. Of course it’s a small internet, so we’ll see each other from time to time. I may inadvertently follow a link from another site or see you off in a sidebar somewhere with your irresistible click bait. It’s cool- we’re both mature enough to interact in an amicable, respectful manner.

We tried, it’s over but we’ll always have Ferguson.

*Note to self: Copy, change pertinent facts and address to Gawker Media et al.


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